January 17, 2012

• 38 - 40

  Last night, his head rested on my aching breast and

  we cried our pain into each other.

  His presence, a magnet, surfaced all my denials,

  those emotions I kicked dirt and distractions over.

  His hair smooth under my unyielding confessions,

  belonged to me right then as it used to in the undeniable,

  unforgettable past we shared, and last night,

  we shared each other once again in love's bitter embrace.

  I wake and he's climbing the mountains of ranges far away

  without me

  and becoming another mother's beloved son in law.

  I wake and I'm naked--the dirt I've smeared over exposed flesh

  and the threadless clothes I saw upon myself in the mirror

  are nowhere to be found.

  I cannot bear the sight, the bareness.

  I wake, and I'm lost.

   

  ---

   

  How I love the lecture:

  the impassioned stream of knowledge,

  the nods and subtle smiles of self-satisfaction,

  the hand gestures that wave and pause,

  wave

  and pause,

  wave

  and pause,

  the eyebrows that rise and drop,

  rise

  and drop,

  rise

  and drop,

  the hair that increasingly distances itself from his smooth scalp, loosening the density of that unaffected fuzz,

  and the dark sweater that grows more and more white chalky spots.

  How I love being taught with words, with experience, with perspective.

  How I love the lecture.

   

  ---

  Doubt

  paralysis of the mind

  shackled before the threshold to paradise

  obscuring the view from the present with

  everyone else's conscience

  everyone else's fear

  a depository for disappointment

  stifling, suffocating with no room to breathe the fresh hopes of tomorrow,

  borne only from faith

  keep adding keep adding to this depository and the

  debilitating debt grows

  denser and denser

  a growing mass of malicious gravity

  grinding the spine upon itself

  caving, imploding from the pressure

  of what life might not be

  • 9:23 pm
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