Before me lies what each woman needs:
core values, features of security, essentials,
even luxuries that foam in glittering elegance upon the surface.
But I need a knight.

So unmatched is the body to the mind
that you may feed an empty stomach only to have
unhappiness purge itself of nourishment.
The soul starves into itself.

I need a knight to save me,
perhaps with his sword, perhaps with his love, perhaps with his life.
A knight sees past the poison beneath this mask of blossoms.
For me, he would win the final battle against the rosy disease.

Don't tell me to find my knight in myself.
Digging deep only exposes more diseased flesh for further oxidation.
Fact: It's for the best, in my best interest.
But I insist I've enough youth to wait for my knight.

Even though I know their kind is fantasy,
so accustomed I am to self-destruction,
I'll see the end of this tragedy
and decay slowly beneath bad poetry.

I grabbed the wheel with a purpose. We both died, but now you are alive and
you will have everything.
And I am no longer the cripple I was born as.
I broke my heart without weapons, just my will. I remember hugging the metal to my chest. Solution in my hand, face me. No pressure to the trigger. So I lost my chance to touch resistance.

no bang

I've distracted myself so long and so determinedly that I've lost the ability to recognize emotions. I can't follow the ache to its beginning or end. I give up midway out of cowardice. I can't verbalize. I can't express anymore. Breathe or cry. One or the other. My tears make choice, and now you'll never know how I feel. The flightless bird will never fly back up the cliff, but I turned the wheel.

whoosh

Who needs flying when you have so far to fall?

Where I die, gunshots are sighs. If I could just stop the tears and take a breath. Vision fades, the words get lost forever in the pits my stomach, and I abandon the pursuit. If I could speak, if I could just tell you, then it wouldn't be death.

You've always been the quiet type, and neither of us will ever know. Keep saving me from life. Keep stealing my breath. Take my poetry. Nowhere else, just in the unquantifiable and unnoticeable flashes between your neurons. I don't want to own anything. I don't want to grow. I don't want to exist anywhere but in your memory.

Heartbreak, heartbreak. I love you. So much. More than anything else in the world. You are the only companion I've ever trusted to last. I can swear by you. I can live by you. I can die by you. You show me how to feel alive. You kill me. I trust you. When I have nothing, I will still have you. You would never leave me, dead or alive.

I've loved and lost, and it's wonderful. I tricked everyone. I led you to bed, tucked you in, and set us afire. Feast, heartbreak. This is how much I love you.

12/19/11: 3 miles, 29 min
12/11/11: 2 miles, 1 mile elliptical
12/12/11: 2 miles + free weights

I tired of our dance and stopped taking one step back for each advance.
You came close, close enough for my layers to melt into your embrace.
But I'm always right. I'll never be who I need to be.
I dared to defy, to hope in the heart of my heart at the least, I could be.
But of course, I'm always right.
I wake up cold, sleeping away sunlight in my bed of assurance--I will never be enough.

You melted my layers, but I can grow more
and live off a lone body's heat.
I've never been so stupid as with you in this depraved war,
but there might still be time for retreat.

I played with fire and loved the burn.
Now, I must retreat.

Adieu, my desire.

He said

I didn't hear
so
I write
instead of think about what he said
Give me substance, matter.
Substance matters to the alive...
Did he say what I meant?
I fear I fear I am so
afraid
choices for me
enough to give up,
end and go back
to shelter in the grave.

---

You're attempting to
will me to life,
by tearing off reluctant skins.
I know you yearn to claw open those carefully gated veins
that keep out the dirt, disease, and most painful of all,
desire of this world.
Are your fingers red?
Please, be free to play.
Dip into the clean, glistening wound, touch me
inside.
Will me to life.
Give, and I will surrender
my soul's bête noire.

There's a word hanging between us,
a present too good to own,
too beautiful to be unwrapped.
It's taken a hold,
made a space in my head
   (  (  reserved  )  )
It has implications.
The signal of the climax,
the beginning of the end,
tragic.
Too good to be unwrapped,
lest it be true.
I don't want that space filled,
don't displace my assurance.
Don't, but no,
like an empty womb,
this space is expecting.

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought
"Hey, you know, this could be something"
'Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing

So maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
And maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one

I remember every look upon your face
The way you roll your eyes
The way you taste
You make it hard for breathing
'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay
I'm finally now believing

That maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
And maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two is better than one

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life and I thought, "Hey,"

Maybe it's true
That I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
But there's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking
I can't live without you
'Cause, baby, two is better than one
But there's so much time
To figure out the rest of my life
But I'll figure it out
When all is said and done
Two is better than one

beneath landscapes of fine white,
wrinkles, deepened from the erosion of complexity, stretch
as two lips pucker and say hello
to old friends, eternal soul mates

---

tonight I sleep
where nirvana cuddles
between a comforter, stuffed
with warmth of the earth.
to how nature coddles us with bliss,
we are oblivious.

---

We've stumbled upon patches
of bizarre pleasantries,
like the horror of sound of "whorl"
or the peace of sound of "pool"

contemplating the longevity of "bleu" vs. "blue"
turns nothing into something
as we notice and take note
for the sake of purposeless observation.

Hurt
like you've been hurt before
Heal
like you were born to be torn and rebuilt
Hurt
like it's the only emotion god blessed you with
Heal
like it'll take forever fix
Hurt
like you want it
Heal
like it's inevitable.